Personal Share: I’m Afraid… — 5 Comments

  1. Fabulous article. Thank you. I have almost all of the same fears you listed. It’s all normal – we all have this stuff in our heads. I’ve been in relationship for about 5 years. What’s been powerful is that over time I’ve become better at telling my partner about these fears. Then of course, I’ve had the fear that sharing my fears will make me seem less masculine and attractive to my partner. But usually she’s turned on by the connection that comes from being vulnerable. And she has shared plenty of these fears with me also. Before we started sharing our fears with each other, we were each inside our own heads, doing our internal acrobatics to manage our own fears and offer an idealized version of ourselves to each other. Now, we navigate our fears together as a team. Often it’s just reassuring each other. But sometimes it’s more concrete, so we’re doing or saying the things each of us needs in order to trust, feel safe, feel loved, etc. The fears point us toward what we need to do for each other. And the more I share what feel like weaknesses or faults, the more I know she is actually loving the real ME, not just an image I’ve put out there – and this feels awesome. Of course we’re not perfect, because no one is. But I recommend couples go as far in this direction as they’re able.

    • I love this Jim! Yes to knowing that she is loving the real you! And this part:”Usually she’s turned on by the connection that comes from being vulnerable” is so wild. I have experienced that myself and so have many of my clients. Vulnerability can actually ignite turn on!

  2. I hope you are not surprised to hear that I don’t think differently of you, that if anything this confirms that you are a genuine, honest, and open human being, and that I share a lot of those same fears.

    I am finally discovering how important it is to accept my fears along with all the other things I’ve been ashamed of and kept hidden. I love that idea of inviting my fears to the table and letting my fear guide me. Thank you.

    • Thank you Rich! I am not surprised and at the same time relieved ;). Accepting our fears and shame as something we can connect through, rather than hide, is so transformative! I look forward to hearing more about what happens for you!

  3. You know Shana, third time round – not of my choosing but that is the way it happened a has proved to be the best. Finally have a real soul mate with all the essential ingredients of what makes for a good marriage (I call it the Seven C’s of Strong Connection):-
    Common values,
    Common interests ( but not to the point of having no individual interests);
    Communication (or at least a willingness to talk through difficult issues non-defensively possibly using “I statements” and a reflective listening process);
    Commitment(despite the little annoyances that are always going to be there in any relationship)
    Compassion and caring (to the extent that you will always put the needs of your relationship before your own personal needs)
    Best wishes

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